A Question On My Mind

If I would have known then what I know now would I have behaved differently?

Well, I definitely would have changed that time I got the really bad sunburn at Lake Powell. If only I knew then that the sun can still burn you even though it is cloudy. I really should have put some sunscreen on.

Or if I would have known how really insignificant high school is when all is said and done, I would have taken school less seriously. Why is it that everything during high school is so dramatic?

And there were those times when I probably should have said no to some of those dates. Oh yes, if I would have known then what I know now, those dates would have never happened.

I should have taken that trip to NYC last summer, I should have spoken up when I knew there was injustice, and I really should have been a little more forward on more than one occasion.

If I would have known then what I know now what would be different?

When I think about the memories I lost, the fun I missed out on, the friends I never made, the relationships that never materialized, I’m sad that I let my fear, my insecurities, or just plain stubbornness get in the way. Yes, if I would have known then what I know now I would have acted differently.

Which brings up another question. Would I really want to know now what I would know later? Would I really want to know the future? I think the answer is no. Because the things I’ve learned, the regrets I’ve had, the growing pains I’ve experienced made me the person I am today. I believe if I would have known then what I know now that I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. Sure, the outcome would have been different, but I’m not sure I want the outcome to be different.

I know that I don’t want to have any regrets, but that doesn’t mean that I want to change the past regrets. I just don’t want any new regrets.

So, other than a few less sunburns and some forgotten bad dates, I think I’m perfectly happy not knowing now what I might know later.